Category: Skillz

Empathy – The Art of Giving a $h*t (or at least acting like you do)

In a recent conversation about the joys of leadership, the subject of whether or not it’s important to be a “people person” came up. Actually, the conversation was more along the lines of, “why are some people so stupid”…but you get the general idea. While acknowledging the frustration of dealing with (allegedly) stupid people, I made the observation that a lot of struggles in leadership can be traced back to a lack of empathy.

kittensNow, before I go on, let me clarify – I am NOT a people person. On the MBTI, my “I” is 30 out of 30 (and would probably be higher if the scale allowed it). Seriously, you people exhaust me. However, I find the way people think and behave fascinating, I love what I do, and I long ago came to grips with the fact that if I wanted to do what I do I would have to interact with people from time to time. This doesn’t mean I enthusiastically embrace warm and fuzzy – it just means I can adjust my preferences in order to be successful. So when I talk about the importance of empathy, rest assured I’m not coming at it from a kittens and rainbows point of view.

Dictionary.com defines the word thusly:

em·pa·thy [em-puh-thee]: noun the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

How ’bout that? The intellectual identification…. Basically, empathy is all about the intellectual ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see things from their perspective. It doesn’t mean that you have to feel what they feel, give them a hug (HR asks you to avoid that), or even feel emotions about it. It simply means you are not a self-centered jerk all the time.
Hey, it’s not your fault. One of the struggles of being a leader is that you have always been rewarded for being really good at something – either you’re super smart, good at problem solving, one heck of a suck up – whatever it might be, you were the best at it at the time. This consistent reward for know-it-all behavior has uniquely conditioned you to NOT see things from the same perspective as other people. You’re used to making connections faster than those who report to you. You’re supposed to. It’s your job. But it also makes you a little bit of an asshole when you show off, so you have to figure out when it’s appropriate to share your sagacity, and when it’s better to back off and see it from the other person’s perspective.
In my past, I worked for a company whose CEO was very smart and had built the industry practically from scratch. But he had zero empathy…he simply couldn’t figure out why people didn’t prioritize the same way he did, didn’t make decisions the same way he did, or lived the same way he did. This lack of empathy created a leadership model that rewarded people who operated the same way, even to the point of viewing empathy as a weakness. Worse, it bred a “take it or leave it” culture at the company, and not surprisingly a lot of employees decided to leave it. So many amazingly talented people left that company because leadership saw empathy as a “soft” skill rather than another critical thinking tool to reach common ground in discussions.
Empathy is a key component in marketing, sellling, training, coaching, negotiation, conflict management, meetings – any time more than one opinion could be expressed. Unless you can put yourself in another person’s shoes to try and understand what might motivate them to do something, you can’t possibly be successful. Okay, let me amend that – in a world of people who think EXACTLY like you, you would be wildly successful. Know of that world? No? Right, then let’s take a look at ways that you can start using empathy to be a more successful leader:
  • Empathize, don’t sympathize: One of the mistakes leaders make is to confuse the two concepts. Sympathy means you agree with the other person’s feelings, and can get you into trouble once you start down the path of validating their hurt feelings because the bus driver made them wait two seconds before opening the door. Remember, empathy is, at its core, an intellectual act – not necessarily emotional.
  • Use personal experience: Believe it or not, there was a time when you didn’t know how to do something. Remember what it was like when a teacher (or coach, or boss, or older sibling) took the time to break things down in discrete pieces so you could figure it out? Didn’t you figure it out more quickly? Well, your employees are like that, too. They need you to be able to break things down into digestible chunks so they can learn what it is you already know.
  • Shut up and listen: Sometimes leaders get “Ugly American-itis” – when it’s obvious the other person doesn’t understand, the leader just says the same thing louder and more slowly. Shockingly, this doesn’t work. If the other person isn’t on the same page as you, ask them to explain how they see it…and then listen, taking notes if necessary. This gives you the data you need to either support your hypothesis, or to change your mind because you didn’t have all the facts. It also makes the other person feel valued.
  • Find value in diversity: Getting back to my geek roots, Star Trek introduced the TV audience to the concept of IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations), the basis of Vulcan philosophy. The sheer number of variables in the universe makes it logical that multiple outcomes from multiple scenarios are possible. Therefore, to assume only one point of view is the best answer is illogical. If a culture based entirely on the purging of emotion in favor of logic can embrace the concept of empathy, surely YOU can.
  • Learn the language: Empathy has a vocabulary associated with it. It is inquiry vs. advocacy. It is paraphrasing and mirroring. Do a little reasearch, hang out with people who seem to be good at it, and start using the words. In coaching, we refer to it as “flipping the switch” – using the right dialogue techniques forces you to think differently. (Language informs thought, people – George Orwell was right.)
  • Fake it ’til you make it: I don’t mean be inauthentic. I mean you use the language and techniques of empathy until it feels more natural. If you’re not an empathetic person, it’s going to feel very squishy and uncomfortable at first. Don’t give up! The first time your empathy pays off, you’ll feel that ‘Eureka!’ moment and start to see the value.

Bottom line: Empathy makes you a better leader because it forces you to look at all sides of an issue, consider the impact, and make the best decision based on data. So get over your belief that your job would be so great if it weren’t for the people, and learn how to give a $h!t.

Knowing when to pull the plug (or why you make the big bucks)

It’s a moment that most leaders have faced.  That enterprise-wide solution that you’ve been working on for 2 months and is three weeks away from implementation – the one that you championed for months, shouting down anyone who dared to disagree…and did you seriously just hear yourself say ‘I’d stake my reputation on it’ – is NOT the right solution.  Not even close.  In fact, it’s probably going to break the internet.  And the worst part?  You knew it 2 weeks into the project.

So what do you do?

Well, if you’re like most people, there’s a good chance that you just put your head down, rally the troops, and limp it over the finish line.  Heck, it might work.  Glass half full.  Power of positive thinking!  The Secret wouldn’t have been a top seller unless it really worked – right?  Besides, if you pull out now, it would be like a slap in the face to all those team members who worked their hearts out to meet the deadlines and somehow kludge the “solution” into the existing infrastructure, and that’s just unfair….

Okay.  Hold it right there.  If this has ever been your thinking, you just fell into the “sunk cost” trap (awesomely laid out by the Freakonomics folks in this 2011 post on the upside of quitting).  Maybe you could afford to base your decisions on sunk cost when you were a bright-eyed entry-level analyst, but as a leader you just can’t think that way.  It’s why you make the big bucks – you have to make the decisions that may feel icky in the short term, but are the CORRECT ones for the company.

Falling in love with your plan is a real risk for a leader and incredibly easy to do.  Chances are you were made a leader because you have great ideas and have a track record for bringing solutions to the table.  Hey, I get it.  Pulling the plug on an idea that you’ve incubated can feel like a failure – you seriously question the reason why you had the idea in the first place.  Or worse – you feel like you’re personally attacking one of your employees who was brave enough to suggest the idea in the first place.  But I would argue that your ability to pull the plug on a project or idea that isn’t right and/or won’t be successful long-term is one of the greatest skills a leader can have.  It saves time, money, good faith, reputation, sanity – you name it.

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So how do you get your mind around the fact that as a leader it’s OKAY to pull the plug on a doomed project?  Here are a few suggestions:

  • Runaway bride: Think of the project as a marriage.  Are you falling in love with the wedding without thinking about the fact that the two of you don’t really have anything in common?  If your answer is “maybe”, think about what the divorce might be like.  How hard is is to undo the project once it’s launched?  Chances are, pulling the plug now will be a lot less painful than trying to un-implement PeopleSoft  (not that there’s anything wrong with PeopleSoft – please don’t sue).
  • Outsider’s view: Take a step back and look at your project as an outsider would see it.  Or even better – look at it as though the project was being sponsored by your arch nemesis and start poking holes in it.  If you’re able to rattle off 5 reasons it won’t work within 10 seconds, guess what – it won’t work.  Now you can feel better about ending the project immediately.  Yay, you!
  • Trust the team: I have been lucky enough to manage some really amazing people in my career.  They were smart, creative, hard working…and nice enough to speak up when they thought I was doing something really, really stupid.  It took a little while for me to learn to listen to them, but I did.  And as a result, I felt okay abandoning my ideas when they weren’t the right ones.  Even better, the team built a culture where anyone could recommend pulling the plug and starting over so feelings weren’t hurt and precious time and resources were redirected to the right things.
  • Think of it as becoming more disciplined: It’s like eating vegetables – it’s good for you. Jim Collins wrote this article about the importance of a stop doing list.  If one of the most successful business authors can learn the importance of pulling the plug, surely you can do it, too.
  • Make it quick: Okay, so you admit it won’t work.  Cut it off NOW.  No prolonged battles, no questioning what the project’s real wishes were, no waiting around to see if maybe it’ll work next quarter.  Say your good-byes and pull the plug and let everyone move on to the next idea.
  • Get over it: So your idea didn’t work.  Boo hoo.  You’ll have another one.  Oh, is that a little harsh?  Sorry.  But seriously.  Get over it.

As a leader, your ability to think critically, logically, and systemically can make or break your company’s success.  That responsibility far outweighs any one project.

With great power comes great responsibility.
– Uncle Ben

Have some tips on how you pull the plug with dignity?  Share in the Comments.

Accountability, or “How to use dirty words in the office and get away with it”

My colleague gave me a button a few months ago:

accountability

My first thought was, “This person really gets me.”  And then I started thinking…wait a minute.  This button basically is designed  for laughs – and that’s not cool.

I am a HUGE believer in the power of accountability.  Every person should be accountable for his/her actions, thoughts, behaviors, wardrobe choices (sorry, but have you SEEN some of the red carpet looks out there?), whatever it might be.  Accountability IS a dirty word right now – all you have to do is read the local news to see how little personal accountability people want to take.  People blame genetics, circumstances, parenting, allergies…we are a society rife with reasons it’s “NOT MY FAULT”.  Well, I’m not okay with that.  Since I don’t claim to be someone with a lot of experience in fixing society, I’m going to focus my Accountability Crusade on the business world.  Below are a few good reasons why accountability should be first and foremost in your leadership approach:

  • Accountability will set you free: As soon as you accept that you OWN your actions, you can actually do something about them.  When something is being done to you, there is very little that you feel you can do.  That’s why in grammar it’s referred to as the passive voice.  People often say they are powerless to take action…well, here’s your chance!  Take accountability for your role in life and you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish.
  • Accountability as a motivational factor: When someone is accountable to complete a task, they automatically become eligible to receive credit when that task is completed correctly.  That’s how it should work, anyway.  Oh…did you think maybe accountability was only about people getting into trouble when something goes wrong?  A lot of your employees think that, too.  Help them see accountability as an opportunity to shine and gain that elusive “visibility” they’ve heard so much about.  I know from experience that when I was given the accountability for a process, I was much more motivated to ensure it was done well.  Top performers want to be owners – ownership breeds interest, and interest build engagement.
  • Accountability applies to EVERYONE – even you: Be honest, you kind of sort of clicked on this post thinking you could send it to someone else who really needs to learn more about accountability.  🙂  That’s okay – that just means you’re normal.  Normal doesn’t absolve you from taking accountability for your actions, though.  In fact, it highlights how powerful it is when the leader practices regular accountability.  So try it.  Am I perfect at it?  Heck no!  I would LOVE to be able to pin my mistakes on someone else.  But I actively work on my personal accountability, and I think it makes me a better leader and a better person to be around.  Oh, and by the way – I don’t care if that one employee is a jerk but brings in SOOOOO much business.  He/She needs to be held accountable, too.
  • “Accountability” rolls downhill: (I told you I’d show you how to use dirty words and get away with it.)  Nothing is more powerful than an organization in which accountability just is.  There are no Accountability Initiatives, no signs saying “The buck stops here.”  It’s simply the expectation and day-to-day is-ness of your way of life.  Doesn’t that sounds great?  Think of all the time you’d save, or the quality of your work.  Ahh… (take a moment.  we’ll wait)  So how to achieve this nirvana?  Well, it starts at the top and rolls down.    Hold yourself accountable.  Hold your senior team accountable.  No one gets a pass – and everyone has an opportunity to shine.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to accountability.  Leaders, don’t shy away from this “dirty word” – shout it loudly and often.  Start an “Accountability Jar” (with apologies to New Girl) and contribute to it when you see a remarkable display of accountability.  Use the jar to take the team out.  (I didn’t say accountability is its own reward…sometimes it needs a push.)  Whatever you do, make accountability a part of you and your team.

How do you practice accountability?  Share in the comments!