We live in a world where the loudest voice is usually the one that’s listened to.

This is the world of the “alpha” (usually male, but not always) – the person who wants you to KNOW they are important, that they have no weaknesses, that they need no sleep, and they are the smartest person in the room…nay, the universe.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

That’s why it is so significant when you encounter a public figure who approaches their role as leader in a totally different way. Recently, that public figure was Michelle Obama.

I’ve had the opportunity to see her speak in person twice this year. The first time was at WorkHuman – a conference dedicated to thinking about work in a different, more “whole person” way.  The second time was recently, when the former First Lady spoke at the Women’s Foundation of Colorado’s (WFCO) 30th anniversary celebration forum. Both sessions were impressive, moving and thought-provoking. But it was at the WFCO event that I was really struck by the humanity of Michelle Obama as a leader.

The conversation at WFCO was incredibly personal – less about policy and big picture approach (although that was there, too), and more about how she grew up and how her experiences as a woman (and especially as a woman of color) shape her view of the world.

It wasn’t so much about what Michelle Obama said; it was more about the WAY she said it. She admitted when she got emotional (even asked for a Kleenex). She was honest when she said the hateful things people said about her hurt. You believed her when she talked about her strength, and you marvelled at how matter-of-factly she warned against assuming she was the role model above all other role models.

Her approach suggests that a leader can show vulnerability while displaying strength. In fact, that very vulnerability is proof of strength – an understated confidence in self-worth that allows for the leader to lay their emotions bare.

Some moments from the conversation that stood out to me:

• On family and background: Michelle Obama spoke at length about her upbringing, focusing particularly on the extended family aspect. Her love and respect for the “village” that raised her was evident, as was the high bar her father set for any other man in her life. (She’s looking at you, Barack.) She was also INCREDIBLY honest about the reality of her family, “We had our share of everything in our family – we had teachers, and police officers,…and drunks.” Takeaway: The extended support network gave her several role models who were vital to her success as a person and as a public figure.
• On childhood and role models: One of my favorite quotes from the evening came when Michelle Obama discussed the challenges of being a teenager. First, she admonished against making any life choices during the teenage years. No one has any idea of what they want or who they really are – it’s not until you’ve lived some life until you become your full self. But the quote I loved: “I used to tell my daughters, please don’t get your life advice from other 14-yr-olds.” Takeaway: It’s tough growing up, especially today. Kids need role models everywhere – not just public figures. YOU could be someone’s role model.
• On bullying and trolls: Here is where the reality of a public life stood out. Michelle Obama has been called awful things. She has had to endure attacks on her husband, her children, and herself. And these are deeply personal attacks. When asked how it made her feel, she said, “It made me feel the way they intended it to make me feel. But the question should be about my feelings. It should be about why that person felt they could say that in the first place.” Takeaway: Damn straight. 100% agree.
• On hurting and pain: This is tied to the bullying discussion, but it’s so much more specific to those in our society who feel they don’t have a voice. “If under-represented people don’t say they hurt, then it lets the people who say awful things off the hook.” Takeaway: Voice your discomfort. Speak out when someone does something inappropriate to you or to others. Don’t let jerks off the hook.
• On acting locally: Some of the topics touched on in the evening were as all-encompassing as education, healthcare, and setting public policy. But Michelle Obama reminded everyone to start locally. Each person has the capacity to be a role model, to help someone in their own way. Takeaway: We can’t all set national policy, but we CAN all treat each other appropriately.
• On failure and strength: Michelle Obama talked a lot about the strength of women – from everything to childbirth, to high heels, to emotional tests. “Women live every day with thousands of little cuts they get from the rest of the world, but they still get up and keep going.” These cuts have become so second nature to many, that they don’t even notice them any more. And keeping with the theme of speaking up, the former First Lady reminded all of us to talk about our failures to keep role models grounded in reality. “Failure is like a cut – some are deeper than others, some hurt more than others. But all cuts heal with time.” The cuts change – they may scar, we may still see them, but they’re a part of us. Takeaway: The absence of failure is not strength. The ability to share failure and learn from it is true strength.
• On running for political office: Michelle Obama has stated quite clearly that she will not seek election, now or ever. She will, however, remain in public service for the rest of her life. It’s too much a part of who she is and what she wants to focus on in the future – girls’ education, health, and helping women find a community for themselves for support. Besides, she’s far too experienced to want to go through a public election again: “I won’t be running for public office. I know you love me. Until I run. And then you’ll be annoyed by me. I know how this works.” Takeaway: We get it. It’s not in the cards. But maybe she’ll reconsider?

As angry as I get at misogyny and systematized discrimination (and I get angry), I’m not a “sisterhood” kind of person. It doesn’t work for me. As a result, the first part of the evening didn’t resonate with me (but I’m dead inside. Seriously, WFCO does some truly amazing things – check them out). I’m an idea person, not a person person, so it’s rare when I’m in awe of a person.

I’m in awe of Michelle Obama. Regardless of your politics, her approach to people and to leadership is inspiring. In her mind, it’s not about what she can do. It’s about what she can help everyone do – which is the mark of a good leader.

Vulnerability and strength. It’s a powerful combination.

I’ve been pretty quiet on the blog lately. Part of that is due to work and travel. Part of it is due to not really sure if I have something meaningful to put out there in the universe. (Unlike super successful bloggers, I am not good at the whole “write on a schedule” thing. That’s probably why I haven’t been able to retire and live the life to which I’d like to become accustomed.)

I mentioned travel. I recently returned from a very fun, very exhausting, and very different kind of vacation (for me). I had a chance to do an East Coast Swing – fly out to Philly for a couple of days to piggyback on my husband’s work trip and see what the city is like, and then we took a train to NYC. I had never been to either city. I am not a person who typically does well in big cities. Too many people. Too little sky.

I had a blast.

I mean, not ALL the time. Good lord, it’s still travel – have you done that recently? Oof. However, the fact that this trip was to a new place that forced me to do new things meant a lot. It also got me thinking differently about stuff in general. Of course, none of these thoughts were sufficiently long enough for an entire blog post, so you get random thoughts from the road.

Musing #1: The walkability of cities out east was really, really nice. It changes the way you interact with your environment. You notice things about the area you wouldn’t see in a car. We found lots of fun little shops and other things to see as we were walking around. We stumbled upon Christ Church in Philadelphia after grabbing a sandwich for lunch. We ended up in the cemetery where Ben Franklin is buried because we thought it looked cool. And we found Trinity Church and Alexander Hamilton’s grave while meandering about downtown Manhattan. None of these was on our list of things to see.
Lesson learned: Get out and walk around. You’ll see things you never expected to. Oh, and Times Square is THE WORST. 

Musing #2: Speaking of things not being on our list to see…we didn’t have a list of things to see. Typically when I go on vacation, I learn about the area and all that there is to do and then when we get there, we see what happens. (Seriously, we hate scheduling things because then we feel like we HAVE to do something.) I didn’t really do that this time. We had show tickets for one Broadway show (more on that later) and that was it. The rest was up in the air. Every day, we picked a destination, and then wandered around until we got there and let the day take us where it would. It’s how we ended up at The Intrepid Museum (very cool). It’s also how we ended up getting tickets for a second show on a whim. Not having it all in my head up front was a little frustrating at times, but it also meant I wasn’t worried that we’d miss something I’d read about.
Lesson learned: Sometimes you just go with the flow and take what the world gives you.

Musing #3: One of the cool things about travel is getting to meet people you only know from online. We got to have dinner with the incomparable Vadim Liberman. We had such a good time. We made him eat too much food, and forced him to consume sorbet against his will. (He made me say that so you wouldn’t think he’s fat.) Seriously, though, we had fun and it was great to finally connect in person. It was like we’d known each other for years.
Lesson learned: Online relationships CAN be meaningful and solid. And it’s even better when you can reinforce in real life.

Musing #4: The subway in NYC was not as awful as I was worried it would be. Which is silly, because we rode The Tube in London with no problems. As you can see, I had NO frame of reference for NYC (except maybe Law & Order, which probably isn’t super accurate). We took the subway from Times Square to downtown, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, had pizza and ice cream, and then took the subway back. Good times!
Lesson learned: We often make things out to be much worse in our minds than they actually are.

Musing #5: One of the things I have always wanted to do was see a Broadway show with its original cast. Hamilton was one I wanted to do, and that didn’t happen for various reasons (cost being a big one). So when Dear Evan Hansen came out and I saw some clips of how amazing Ben Platt was in the lead role…that was the show I picked. So we went. And…wow. I’ve seen live musicals and plays before. I have never seen someone commit like that. Damn. The show itself is good and all…but the actors are what elevate it to astounding. I’m curious to see how it fares when the original cast moves on. We also got tickets to see Hamilton (finally!). Totally lucked into not having to pay a million dollars, so it can be done! Also fabulous. As a show, Hamilton is far more brilliant than Dear Evan Hansen – staging, writing, choreography, etc. But I think the performances of Dear Evan Hansen stuck with me a little bit more. Either way – both shows were stupendous to see. As I sat there, watching the fantastic talent onstage, I realized I was watching people do what they were put on this Earth to do. It’s transformative.
Lesson learned: Go watch people do what they were meant, and built, to do. And see a show on Broadway at least once. It does make a difference.

Musing #6: The 9/11 Memorial is heart-breaking and powerful. I was surprised by the impact it has, all these years later. The Memorial team places roses in the names of victims on their birthday. The sight of those flowers is beautiful and sad. Please, if you ever go – don’t take smiley family pictures like it’s Disney. It’s basically a burial site.
Lesson learned: None really. Just incredibly moving.

We took almost 1,000 pictures. We walked what must be about 100,000+ steps in NYC (roughly 20,000/day). And I’ve written about 1,000 words about it because we saw so much and it made me think. A wise person once said, “Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer.” As I get more opportunities to travel to new places, I agree with that 100%. I am grateful to have these opportunities and the wherewithal to take advantage of them. I get that not everyone can. I’m just asking you to try. So if you’ve been putting off that trip, don’t. Go book it now. Even if it’s just a quick drive over to the next town. Explore the world as much as you are able to do, especially the nooks and crannies of your hometown.

 

 

You never know what you’ll find.