Tag: management

“Tolerating” Failure

“Mistakes are the portal of discovery.” ~James Joyce

I was on the interwebs this weekend, trolling through different news sites, reading articles and the like, when I came upon this article.  It’s about a tattoo artist named Chris Baker who covers up gang and human-trafficking tattoos for free.  Chris, who is also a youth pastor, believes everyone deserves a second chance and that by offering a way to physically make a break from their past, these people can move on and correct the mistakes of their youth.

I share this because a) it’s an amazing cause* with the potential to change lives, and b) the story got me thinking about my own reactions to mistakes.  I’m talking specifically about my reaction to the mistakes made by others.  (To be clear – YES.   I MAKE MISTAKES.  I AM FULLY AWARE OF MY FAILINGS.  THANK YOU.  But we’re talking about my reaction, not my mistakes.  Besides, it’s my blog.  So there.)

oopsANYHOO, a little background….When I was in grad school, 3 semesters into an MBA that I absolutely hated, I went to the career center to talk to someone about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  If you’ve never been to a career counselor, you should know that while ultimately you may find it useful, the level of self-reflection, assessment, and analysis is fairly…what’s the word?…excruciating.   One of the exercises requires you to look back at every single job you’ve ever had and identify the reason why you left.  Granted, at that time there was a lot more movie theater retail/mom & pop businesses in there than there is now, but the process was very eye opening.  A big reason I moved on from jobs was because I couldn’t stand it when people did things in what I perceived to be the “wrong” way.  And that career counselor called me on it (dammit).  She said that unless I figured out how to view the perceived failures of others in a different way, I would never be able to stay at a job for longer than 1 year.

This was a pretty big deal.  After all, I wasn’t the one making mistakes – why should I change?  [Office Space moment: “Why should I change?  He’s the one that sucks.”] This kind person who probably had to deal with neurotic grad students all day pointed out the obvious fact I can only control my actions, not the actions of others (again…dammit).  And that really got me thinking – why am I so unwilling to accept the mistakes of others?

Well, long story short (too late), it turns out that I have a tendency to view forgiveness and moving on as “tolerating” failure.  I think that it somehow reflects poorly on me that someone made a mistake and I didn’t make a big deal about it. I expect people to not make mistakes that seem so easily avoidable (in hindsight) and somehow I’m disappointed when they do.  It’s even more pronounced when the mistake is made by a leader or a respected peer.  “Gee,” I think. “ Shouldn’t you have known better?”

The clever ones among you probably noticed the switch to present tense there – yes, I still struggle with making sure I view mistakes as opportunities to learn.  Every day, I purposefully think about the way I react, learning from my past mistakes and ensuring that I give people the freedom to do the same.  For those of you who struggle with the same challenge, I have a few tips:

  • Reframe, rephrase, reflect: Rather than thinking of someone’s mistake as a failure, I find it helpful to think of it as an opportunity to learn.  The learning opportunity isn’t just for the person who made the mistake; the whole team should take a moment to reflect on what role they played (if any) and how we can all learn from the process moving forward.
  • Don’t judge – even jokingly: Okay, I suck at this one.  I speak fluent sarcasm and it’s really hard for me to pass up a good joke.  I am also aware that it sends the wrong message.  Doesn’t mean I’m able to stop myself all the time, but I know I do it. And knowing is half the battle. (Go, Joe!)  Set the example with the team and assume positive intent – most people don’t make mistakes on purpose.  Besides, it takes a lot of guts to own up to a mistake, just as it’s embarrassing to be caught in a mistake.  Let the mistake-maker keep his/her dignity and address the issue.
  • Transparency is your friend: I try to be very open when I make a mistake – call it out, own it, and explain what I’m going to do to fix it.  In my mind, if we can remove the stigma of admitting to mistakes, we will gain more insight into what’s really going on in our business.  Does this mean immunity?  No.  Not all mistakes can be overlooked, and we still need to hold people accountable; however, encouraging transparency by practicing it can still help bring issues to light and move the business forward.

I suspect many of you may recognize yourself in what I’ve written here.  I share this with you because I think it’s important to build a culture where mistakes are embraced as opportunity, and where people can openly talk about what they need to do to be better without worrying that it somehow brands them for life.

*Note: If you’re interested in learning more about Chris Baker’s efforts with INK 180, you can read more about it here.

This isn’t Road House (when leaders can’t see past “my way”)

The title of this post references, of course, that iconic moment in Road House when Dalton (played the late, great Patrick Swayze) tells an unruly sort, “It’s my way….(dramatic pause)….or the highway.”  It’s meant to be a macho moment and is absolutely appropriate coming from a bouncer at a seedy bar.   When spoken by a leader?  Not so great.

[Random aside: When verifying the name of Swayze’s character, I learned that the tagline for ‘Road House’ was “The dancing’s over.  Now it gets dirty.” Isn’t that awesome?]

signpostWhere was I?  Oh yes…most of us at one time or another has struggled with someone in authority telling us there is only ONE way to reach a desired outcome.  And we all probably had the same thought – that’s dumb.  Except in certain circumstances (SEC filing requirements come to mind), there are MULTIPLE ways to do something (think about tying your shoes – you can do the single loop, wrap around method; or opt for the double-loop and knot method; or even the  old school Topsiders nubby-ended lace option).  True, there might be a “best” way to do something, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try another way.   And people HATE it when they’re told they can’t be creative or put their personal spin on something.  It can severely affect engagement in the workplace, leading to lost productivity or even higher turnover (particularly among top talent).

So why do leaders get stuck in “My Way or the Highway” mode?  And what do you do about it? So glad you asked!

  • Can’t let it go: You know the type.  They say things like, “Well, when I did your job, I did it this way and it worked fine.” Leaders who do this don’t seem to realize that a) they aren’t doing your job anymore, and b) things change – technology, preferences, best practices – and it may be time to move one.
    How to handle it: Thank them for sharing their experiences with you and tell them that you will really appreciate their input throughout the process.  And then share the data/study/proof of concept that shows that another approach might be better. 
  • Threatened: Sometimes leaders feel threatened by a good employee and will consciously or subconsciously work to sabotage an employee’s success.  Yes.  That is a sad, petty and fairly silly way to operate, but some leaders fall into the trap.
    How to handle it: Recognize why your leader is doing this.  It’s from a place of fear, not malice.  And how do you combat fear?  With information.  Keep your leader in the loop at all times and do a lot of alignment checks.  Help them feel like they are an important part of the process, and give them an opportunity to realize that your success is their success.  And if your leader persists, document your conversations and work and ensure people know what you’ve been doing to keep the project moving forward.
  • Clueless: This is the leader who honestly has NO idea what it is you do.  (Think “Pointy-haired Boss” from Dilbert.)  While typically a benign figure, the clueless manager will insist on his/her approach because he/she saw it in a magazine while waiting in the doctor’s office.  Honestly, this leader just gets in the way of progress, but beware of ignoring this leader – they control your budget!
    How to handle it:  Ask them why they think it’s a good idea.  Then, steer the conversation in a way that will make this leader think YOUR idea is THEIR idea.  Now you ARE doing it their way!  It’s called a win-win.

Yes, some of this is a little tongue-in-cheek – because honestly, from the employee’s point of view, a leader who insists on only ONE way to do something is pretty ridiculous and thus reduces the leader to a caricature to be ignored and avoided.

It’s much more serious when YOU are the leader who insists there is only one way to do something.  Don’t be that leader – examine your motivations, admit that you do it (and we’ve all done it), and work hard to be open minded.  You’ll be rewarded with happier employees, better results, and a realization that there IS more than one path to a successful outcome.   So don’t be Dalton – be a leader who can embrace the infinite possibilities of the imagination, let go of your ego, and embrace the team’s success.

Some cheese with your whine? (dealing with the victim mentality)

As you may have figured out, I have a “thing” about accountability – I happen to believe it’s one of the most important character traits a person can possess.  I even wrote a whole article about it (see?).  So I fully acknowledge that when I address the topic of victim mentality, I have a bit of an agenda.  Okay, disclaimer out of the way.  Let’s do this!

Most of us have been “blessed” with the experience of watching someone play the victim – “It’s not my fault.” “He’s just out to get me.” “That’s not fair.” “I wanted to give you a raise, but they wouldn’t let me.”   The fascinating part about it is that the victim mentality knows no boundaries.  From the fresh-out-of-school entry-level clerk to the tenured CEO, anyone can take refuge in the sanctuary of the victim mentality.  Um…yay?

The tragedy of the victim mentality is that it quickly becomes a way of life for people.  Why?  Because it works.  It allows managers to avoid tough conversations because now it’s someone else’s fault and the employee can’t be mad at them.  It allows employees to avoid taking responsibility because now everything was out of their control and it’s not fair to blame them.   And the rest of us let them get away with it because it’s easier to just say “fine” and secretly resent them than it is to call them on it, all the while moping that you’re the only one who seems to do anything around here…thereby perpetuating the victim mentality.

no_whiningSo in the spirit of personal accountability, here is some guidance on how to overcome victim mentality for the following scenarios in your workplace:

  • If you’re listening to your employee or a peer play the victim: First, try not to roll your eyes.  Were you successful?  Good!  Now you can empathize (but don’t sympathize!).  Acknowledge that from their perspective, you could see it might feel like they were a victim (don’t say it that way – tailor your phrasing to the words they’re using).  Then you might start asking some probing questions, such as, “Did they explain to you why it was important to meet the deadline?” Or perhaps, “So when you read through all the fine print, did it not outline the penalties for early cancellation?”  Basically, you’re helping the other person see that they had some ownership, too.  Don’t be a smartass, though – that doesn’t work out well.
  • If you’re listening to your manager play the victim: Oy…what to do?  This one is tough, no question.  If you have a good relationship with your boss, you might be able to use humor to point out how silly they’re being.  (No, really, this works…as long as you trust each other).  Many times, all you can do is nod politely and say, “wow”.  Once your boss is done complaining, ask an action-oriented question, such as, “So what I can I do to help you move this forward/solve the problem/support you?”  Sometimes that’s enough to snap them out of it and get them in the right mindset attain.  Again – don’t be a smartass.  Just sayin’.
  • If it’s you playing the victim (non-manager role): Stop it.  (Need more?  Sheesh.)  Self-awareness goes a long way towards changing any behavior, so become a little more introspective about your complaining.  What’s your inner monologue say?  Is there a lot of finger-pointing, “they”, or “fairness” creeping in? Ask yourself, “What did I do that contributed to this outcome?” and acknowledge your role in the situation.  If you can’t seem to do that, ask a friend to play devil’s advocate to help you learn from the experience and break your victim habits.  Hopefully, they won’t be a smartass.
  • If you’re playing the victim (manager role): The most common issue I see in this case is from a manager who won’t own the message.  It might be that a policy has rolled out that they don’t entirely agree with, or they didn’t address an employee’s performance until someone else noticed the issue and said to deal with it – whatever it might be, some managers try to soften the blow by siding with the employees against a common enemy (usually “leadership” or the ever-popular “HR”).  Here’s the thing – the moment you use the word “they”, you have completely abdicated your authority and credibility to someone else.  Why should your employees see you as a leader if you let someone else push you around?  My advice is that you learn when to fight (not in front of your employees) and when to support (in front of your employees).  You don’t have to agree with everything you’re asked to roll out; but you need to ensure you are aligned with the company and can send a consistent message.  Learn why a decision was made, and figure out a way to communicate that decision without tipping your hand to either support or discontentment.  Not sure how?  Start listening to upper management roll out new policies.  No, not every policy change is a winner, but your employees are looking to you for cues on how to act.  If you’re a victim, they will be, too.

Will there be times in your life when you actually are a victim?  Yes.  So why not save all that energy for use when the situation calls for it, and not when you forgot to mail in your payment?   The reality is, your inner monologue contributes to your reality – if you think you’re a victim, you ARE a victim.  Wouldn’t you rather be the one running your life?  I know I would.

 If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.
– Richard Bach

Got a good technique for overcoming a victim mentality?  Or just have a funny victim story to share?  Post it in the comments!