The beauty (and danger) of rituals

The Beauty

There are two good routines (for lack of a better word) that I see every morning when I get to work.
The first is an older gentleman who walks through our campus every morning and evening. I’ve seen him nearly without fail, every single day, regardless of the weather. He walks with a pronounced limp, so it must take real determination to do it. I asked a coworker about him – apparently, he’s been on this route for YEARS and this is his exercise routine.  It’s definitely working, as I’ve seen the weight drop off. When I didn’t see him walking for a couple of weeks, I got worried…but he must have been out of town, because after the holidays, he was back at it. I really admire this guy. It couldn’t have been easy for him to get started, but he has stuck with it.
The second ritual I see takes place in the parking lot. Every morning, a minivan pulls up to the front door, and a female gets out from the passenger side, walks around to the driver side, and kisses the gentleman who is driving. Then she stands at the curb as he pulls away, and when he honks the horn in salute, she raises her hand in a farewell wave. And then she goes to work. I love it when I get to see this happen. I never want to find out the backstory because it’s such a lovely moment on its own, every day.

ritual

adjective rit·u·al \ˈri-chə-wəl, -chəl; ˈrich-wəl\

What is a ritual, really? The dictionary describes it as something always done in a particular situation and in the same way each time. It can be anything from a simple handshake upon meeting someone, to a highly complex series of phrases and behaviors over the course of a religious ceremony.tumblr_lqcgze7bGY1qfwcfh

We like rituals because it removes the anxiety over the unknown. We like knowing what’s expected of us at a certain time. It comforts us. It makes us feel smart. They also promote good habits (see story of man walking to exercise every day).

When used best, rituals promote a sense of belonging – they help define an organization or culture. They remind us that while we all are different people, we have past behaviors and expectations in common.


The Danger

The insidious side of rituals is that the more we do them, the harder it is to break them. In some ways, our brain likes repetition. Think of your brain as a snow-covered mountainside, with your actions or thoughts as skiers. Like skiers shooshing through the snow dig tracks and moguls into the snowfield, every time we reinforce an activity or behavior, it deepens the neural pathway in the brain. And sometimes those ruts get so deep, you can’t get out of them.

Think OCD.

Now think about your organization. Are there rituals that border on the ridiculous? Ones that are so ingrained that no one even know why they do it anymore, but feel like they have to or else?

You know that rituals have shifted to the “danger” side of the equation when you hear things like, “it’s how we’ve always done it” or “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Rituals can damage innovation and growth. They can rob an employee population of imagination and acceptance of positive change. Rituals can keep a leader from being able to adapt to the needs of her people because she’s always managed that way. They can work an employee out of job because he can’t adapt to a new process.


The Balance

It takes diligence to ensure that rituals are helping, and not hurting, your team/department/organization.

Because rituals help foster a sense of community and belonging at at organization, you need to pay homage to the past while building new rituals for the future.

You need to monitor your rituals to see if they have morphed into something damaging. Are they making it difficult for new people to assimilate? Are they blocking your team from solving problems creatively?

Ritualize behaviors that promote good habits (quality assurance, compliance, etc.) and de-ritualize behaviors that promote creativity (problem solving, recognition, coaching, etc.).

By finding a balance between the beauty and danger of rituals, you’ll minimize the harmful moments – like a team refusing to change – and maximize the good moments – like a morning farewell wave to a loved one.

What rituals do you have in your workplace? Are they “beautiful” or “dangerous”? Share in the comments!

Resolutions and the wisdom of Boo

Some folks hate the “On This Day” feature of Facebook. Personally, I kind of like it. It’s interesting to see how little life seems to change year to year…or how much change can happen over 5 years.

On today’s look back from “On This Day”, I came across this post from December 28, 2015. It was about our dog, Bamboo (Boo for short).

She’s got a skin condition called sebaceous adenitis. It’s primarily cosmetic, but can lead to skin infections, which means she’s on medication AND we give her a weekly baby oil bath (the process takes about 2.5 hours). She does not enjoy this process.

Through it all, she has remained a friendly, goofy, loving, trusting, stubborn, impish, challenging, fuzzy goofball.

Boo’s rules for a happy life:

  • Nap when you get sleepy
  • If someone is in your spot, stare at them until they move
  • Smack your food dish until someone puts something in it (Or tells you to stop it…but only stop after the third threat)
  • Be too cute for people to stay mad at you
  • Snuggle with the people you love
  • Play with your toys – especially when other people want to be too serious
  • Walk away from people who annoy you

I think this post is going to stand as my resolutions for 2016 and beyond.

Boo is pretty smart for a dog.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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Christmas Day 2015

 

Who is your feedback for…really?

Last night, I sang in a holiday concert with my local community chorus. I love singing, especially Christmas music, and especially with other people who love it, too. We’re not professional or anything, but we have a great time and typically, that’s all that matters.

After the concert, one of the audience members came up to tell me he thought we did great and he liked my solos (I had solos. I’ve got a music background, but that’s not super relevant to this post). I thanked him and said I hope he enjoyed the concert. He then proceeded to tell me that I should really pin my hair back because it’s distracting. And then walked off.

Um…thanks?

This incident wasn’t horrible – I think the guy thought he was giving helpful advice. And he really did enjoy the concert. It just sounded too much like other “feedback” I’ve gotten in my career, especially as a speaker. I’ve yet to speak anywhere (at a conference, as a facilitator internally, etc.) where appearance wasn’t brought up in the feedback. That could be shoes, clothes, whatever. And then there are the comments of “I didn’t learn anything new.”

I bring this up not to rant, nor do I begrudge those folks their right to share their thoughts. After all, I ask for that feedback, right? I bring it up because leaders and employees talk about feedback all the time but I don’t think it’s working. not-listening

Employees say they want feedback, then get surly when they get the truth.

Leaders say they give feedback, yet so often it’s either too vague or too “nice” to make a difference.

Feedback doesn’t work when it’s done with the wrong intentions. Employees who ask for feedback only if it’s positive are just looking for an ego stroke. Leaders who give vague feedback are just trying to check a box without having to have the difficult conversations. Even worse are the leaders who give only negative (please don’t try to call it “constructive” all the time) feedback because they feel threatened by a strong employee.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re thinking about asking for and/or giving feedback:

  • Be specific about what you’re looking for: a blanket request for feedback results in all manner of crazy responses. Instead, give the responders some context. “I’m trying to improve my eye contact in meetings. How did I do?” Or “In my last project, I felt like I struggled a bit with organization. How might I get better at that?”
  • Make the feedback actionable by the recipient: When you’re giving feedback to someone, make sure it’s something they can control. Telling someone the lights were bad in the ballroom doesn’t help. They don’t do the lighting. Nor is it helpful to give feedback about the way the finance department handled the hand-off to them in their project. Unless they run the finance department, they can’t really do anything about that. Instead, you can give them suggestions on how to better prepare the materials so that finance is ready to accept the handoff.
  • Find the trends in the feedback: We’re human beings – we like to think we’re AMAZING. And perfect. And special unicorns. So when we get feedback that stings, we look for reasons to reject it.  We think that person doesn’t like us, or they don’t know us, or they don’t know what they’re talking about. But when 5 people tell you similar things about your performance or behavior, you might want to take it to heart a bit. Look for the repeated themes and take the feedback with an open mind.
  • Check yo-self: Why do you want to give someone feedback? Is their behavior a career-limiting issue? Or are they just doing something differently from how YOU would do it? Really think about the intent of your feedback. It should be about helping the other person reach their full potential – not to make you look and/or feel better.

When you can ask for and receive feedback without ulterior motive, and with a pure heart, you will have reach feedback nirvana. Until then, just keep an eye on your motivation.

You may be surprised by how well the feedback works.