Who is your feedback for…really?

Last night, I sang in a holiday concert with my local community chorus. I love singing, especially Christmas music, and especially with other people who love it, too. We’re not professional or anything, but we have a great time and typically, that’s all that matters.

After the concert, one of the audience members came up to tell me he thought we did great and he liked my solos (I had solos. I’ve got a music background, but that’s not super relevant to this post). I thanked him and said I hope he enjoyed the concert. He then proceeded to tell me that I should really pin my hair back because it’s distracting. And then walked off.

Um…thanks?

This incident wasn’t horrible – I think the guy thought he was giving helpful advice. And he really did enjoy the concert. It just sounded too much like other “feedback” I’ve gotten in my career, especially as a speaker. I’ve yet to speak anywhere (at a conference, as a facilitator internally, etc.) where appearance wasn’t brought up in the feedback. That could be shoes, clothes, whatever. And then there are the comments of “I didn’t learn anything new.”

I bring this up not to rant, nor do I begrudge those folks their right to share their thoughts. After all, I ask for that feedback, right? I bring it up because leaders and employees talk about feedback all the time but I don’t think it’s working. not-listening

Employees say they want feedback, then get surly when they get the truth.

Leaders say they give feedback, yet so often it’s either too vague or too “nice” to make a difference.

Feedback doesn’t work when it’s done with the wrong intentions. Employees who ask for feedback only if it’s positive are just looking for an ego stroke. Leaders who give vague feedback are just trying to check a box without having to have the difficult conversations. Even worse are the leaders who give only negative (please don’t try to call it “constructive” all the time) feedback because they feel threatened by a strong employee.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re thinking about asking for and/or giving feedback:

  • Be specific about what you’re looking for: a blanket request for feedback results in all manner of crazy responses. Instead, give the responders some context. “I’m trying to improve my eye contact in meetings. How did I do?” Or “In my last project, I felt like I struggled a bit with organization. How might I get better at that?”
  • Make the feedback actionable by the recipient: When you’re giving feedback to someone, make sure it’s something they can control. Telling someone the lights were bad in the ballroom doesn’t help. They don’t do the lighting. Nor is it helpful to give feedback about the way the finance department handled the hand-off to them in their project. Unless they run the finance department, they can’t really do anything about that. Instead, you can give them suggestions on how to better prepare the materials so that finance is ready to accept the handoff.
  • Find the trends in the feedback: We’re human beings – we like to think we’re AMAZING. And perfect. And special unicorns. So when we get feedback that stings, we look for reasons to reject it.  We think that person doesn’t like us, or they don’t know us, or they don’t know what they’re talking about. But when 5 people tell you similar things about your performance or behavior, you might want to take it to heart a bit. Look for the repeated themes and take the feedback with an open mind.
  • Check yo-self: Why do you want to give someone feedback? Is their behavior a career-limiting issue? Or are they just doing something differently from how YOU would do it? Really think about the intent of your feedback. It should be about helping the other person reach their full potential – not to make you look and/or feel better.

When you can ask for and receive feedback without ulterior motive, and with a pure heart, you will have reach feedback nirvana. Until then, just keep an eye on your motivation.

You may be surprised by how well the feedback works.

Expanding horizons

This is my plea that everyone – employees and leaders alike – learns how to think outside of themselves.

That they look beyond their personal role to see how they impact the world around them.

That they try to improve the processes they work within.

That they reach out to those they work with to offer support when needed.

That they reach out to those they work with to offer a kick in the butt when needed.

That they step back and think about how the offhanded comment they made in a crowded room might have been interpreted.

Earth_GlobeThat they realize that they made a positive difference in the lives of the people they interact with.

That they see their value in the world and know it spreads beyond those who see them every day.

That they recognize their power to influence…and use their power for good.

That they learn how to say “no” so that others say, “I understand.”

That they win with humility.

That they lose with grace.

That they never lose their love of learning – or that they discover it in the first place.

That they remember that every single person they interact with is going through something in their lives that others don’t know.

That they see the potential of the team, organization, and community that they are a part of – and want to help everyone reach that potential.

That they want to build, not destroy.

That they learn that success comes in many forms.

It is my hope that everyone – employees and leaders alike – realize it’s not all about them.

It’s about us.

How open-minded are you….REALLY?

If I were to ask this question of a random sampling of leaders and employees, how do you think they’d answer?

Most likely, everyone would present themselves as an open-minded, thoughtful human being, unswayed by their bias. (Except for that weird guy from the third floor. But he’s probably a sociopath.)

The reality is that people don’t like to think of themselves as closed-minded, or at the very least, they know better than to admit it. That’s because companies work like hell to hammer home the fact that inclusion, respect, diversity, love, peace, unicorns and rainbows are an integral part of a successful workplace. And it IS important to be inclusive and respectful.

But deep down, we all kind of suck at it.

I don’t mean we’re all assholes and racists or anything. I just mean that we fool ourselves into thinking we’ve got control over our natural biases. And not just the big ones (gender, race, age, etc.) – I’m talking about white-collar, blue-collar, where you went to school, the shoes you wear, what music you listen to…that kind of stuff. Even the most well-intentioned, self-aware person has inherent biases. [For an eye-opening revelation about your own biases, take the Project Implicit test from Harvard. It’s free. And a little spooky.]

All those little biases add up to a pretty significant impact on our decision-making.

Don’t believe me? Look at your hiring practices. Many organizations have some sort of diversity initiative in place – whether it’s monitoring and reporting, or a specific process to ensure a certain candidate pool mix. Hopefully, these programs ARE making a difference for your organization on a macrolevel.

Now look at the teams around you. Look at YOUR team.

Is everyone just a little too…the same?

Do you all like the same things? Have similar backgrounds? Make decisions the same way?

Did you even realize it when you hired them?

BOOM. That’s bias in action, baby.

If you want to be closer to the level of open-mindedness you claim to have, you have to be aware you’re not perfect and be proactive in your approach to make a difference. Here are a few things you can try, either as a leader or an employee:

  • Hiring practices: When hiring, consider taking off names, addresses and school names off the resume. Just look at whether the person meets the required education level and has the right experience. (Bias exists for peers just as much as hiring managers!)
  • Job design: Question whether the education level you’re requiring for a job even makes sense. A college degree does not magically make you a better employee and mean you can do the job. I’m not saying it’s NOT a good thing, but question your implicit assumption it’s required for success.
  • Teams: Challenge your need to like everyone you work with. I mean, it’s nice and all…but a lot of times we like people because they’re just like us. Same can be boring and stifle innovation. Build and/or join a team with people who will challenge your thinking.
  • Silos: Go learn more about the people who do work that is wildly different from yours. If you’re in a corporate office, do some ridealongs with the field folks. If you’re in the field, shadow the corporate people. Understanding of the unknown helps breaks down bias and assumptions.
  • Ideas: What happens who you propose an idea and someone questions it? Do you defend it to the death? Do you think the other person is an idiot because they don’t agree? Do you assume they don’t like it because they don’t have your background? All of the above? To be truly open-minded, you have to be open to the fact that you DON’T know everything…even about the topic you’re supposedly THE expert in. Listen and learn.

These are just a few ideas on how you can set up an environment that encourages open-mindedness through behavior, not intention.

Give one or two of them a shot. After all, you’re open-minded….

Right?